Trusting process.

Creativity is messy. It doesn't follow a straight line, it meanders and backtracks and circles. And sometimes it frustrates.

You'll hear people talk about left brain/right brain - left brain is logical, is analytical, is detail and fact oriented, right brain is creative, is emotion oriented, feels. When I take those "quizzes" or "personality tests" that you can find all over the internet, in women's magazines and other various places, I test smack dab in the middle. When I worked in finance I tended to use more of my left brain, as an actor I relished in the joy of my right brain in the moment zen. When I directed for the first time I discovered a new challenge: in order to do it right, I had to engage both sides of my brain simultaneously. I loved it.

Right now, I face a similar challenge - as producer I need to be very left brained: money, details, specifics, deadlines. But I'm also acting which means letting go of the timeline and being present to the moment. Unlike directing where both channels had to work together, I need to keep these two worlds seperate in order to make sure they both work well. And that is proving difficult.

In every project I've ever worked on there has been a point - usually right before it all came together - when I was sure the whole thing would be a disaster. I know that is part of the process. I know it works itself out. But trusting that process is my challenge right now.

And I know that this is an incredibly talented and capable group of people that is working together: the director, the stage manager, and all nine of the actors. I know that they are professional and seasoned and want to shine. I know that everyone involved wants to look good doing what they are doing - so they will not let it fail. And my feeling will catch up to my knowing, sooner or later (probably right after opening night, which is usually when these feelings go away.)

That last parenthetical statement might be the crux of my issue: when I've been an actor in the midst of rehearsals, and I feel these very familiar feelings of doubt, I usually haven't yet invited anyone to the show. My friends, my family, my industry contacts haven't yet heard anything, and I can take refuge in that thought: no one that I know will know! And then we get through the crazy part of rehearsal and I feel better. Then, I can confidently start to invite people to see the show. This time around, because I'm producing, because I want to fill the seats, because it's important; I started telling people about this months ago. I have family planning to come up from Pennsylvania, friends coming in from out of state, people donating their time and their money in support; and that is scary! It's not just me following my muse for my own enjoyment; it's me following my muse and hoping that you'll come along for the journey and have a good time.  All done on faith that yes, it will be worth it!

And it will. I know it will.